I am 36 years old, and lettuce makes me puke. Still. Always has. Yesterday I refused a sandwich that had lettuce on it, and Mama thought I was being a spoiled brat. She swore lettuce doesn’t even have a taste, that I could take the stuff off the sandwich and eat it. Spoiled, yes. No argument. But I simply can’t eat anything that’s been tainted by lettuce.
Several years ago I was in the Taco Bell drive-through with my BFF. I’d ordered tacos, meat and cheese only. As soon as they handed me the bag, which was rolled closed a bit, I wrinkled my nose and thought, “Did I not say no lettuce?” Seeing my expression, BFF asked what was wrong. “There’s lettuce ….” “You haven’t even opened the bag.” “I smell it.” And sure enough, there was one tiny sliver of lettuce on one of the tacos. I searched for more, but that one piece was all I found. No need to yell at the employees (not that I routinely yell at people, but that was a close call). Since it was such an itty bitty sliver, I removed it and managed to choke down the taco. BFF rolled her eyes. This is my “Princess and the Pea” superpower: the ability to sniff out lettuce.
When I was growing up, Mama tried her hardest to get me to eat things that were not fried in bacon grease. It was a losing battle. Every time she tried to make me eat a salad (always lettuce based), I would instantly heave it up. Not the greatest experience at the dinner table, so Mama gave it up eventually. As an adult, I’ve tried it a few times off and on to see if my taste buds have matured. Nope!
I can’t really explain why it offends me so. It’s a texture thing mostly, I think. It’s sort of like crunchy water. But I like ice, so that isn’t it precisely. I don’t know. If you want to chalk it up to me being weird, I’ll allow it. Just the thought of it *shudders*…. gross!
Anyway, in the way of all adults who need to lose weight, I decided a while back salad would have to be a necessary part of my new “lifestyle change.” My Nutrition Nazi No. 1 friend (I say that with love!) decided to be sneaky and get me to try a spinach-based salad. She made me one with grilled chicken, diet cheese, turkey bacon, diet ranch … ALL the healthy. I wasn’t overly impressed, but at least I didn’t spit it out. Whoohoo! That’s a win, right? I wasn’t crazy about that particular variation, but I did start eating spinach, grapes, and pecans. I tried a raspberry vinaigrette dressing. It didn’t inspire me, so I just eat that combo plain. I really like it. As in actually sometimes want to eat it. On purpose, not just out of fear I’ll die without salad intake as part of my diet.
In my own explorations of online recipes, I came across a tuna salad salad. The tuna salad bit has a little mayo, apples, pecans, and, ya know, tuna. I dump that on spinach. Use Newman’s Own Olive Oil and Vinegar dressing. This I actually crave from time to time. It’s miraculous. Of course, my BFF thinks it’s hilarious I needed a recipe to make tuna salad, but hey. Cooking isn’t really my thing. I don’t even know if I’d ever eaten tuna salad before, because, well, it had the word “salad” in it. I keep the recipe stored electronically in case I ever need a refresher. Really.
I have to admit, though, my favorite salad ever was at Slice Pizza and Brew in Birmingham, Alabama. Their spinach salad has bacon, caramelized onion, mushroom, grated egg, and house warm bacon vinaigrette. I ate around the mushroom (not a fan), but the rest was GREAT! Did I mention the warm bacon vinaigrette? Excuse me for a moment while I relive the glory *mmmmm* … OK, so where was I? Right. Turns out all I needed to enjoy salad was bacon grease. Who knew? My cousin RL, that’s who! And blessings unto you, RL. I thank you!
Most recently, my Nutrition Nazi No. 2 friend held my hand while I bravely learned a new salad recipe. She supervised me cutting up a mango, chopping up kale, massaging kale, making a dressing from scratch, etc. She was concerned at how close I came to chopping off a finger with the sharp pointy thingy … chef’s knife? I don’t know. She was amused at all the Ick! faces I made. But in the end, she was proud I actually made a salad and ate a whole portion with no retching noises. It was hard to classify what I thought of the salad. It was not fantastic, but not bad either. Just strange. Which means I may have to revise my food rating system, which has always been: “spit it out,” “not bad,” or “OMG *close eyes in foodgasm*.” I need a new category for stuff that I’m not sure about but am willing to try to incorporate into my diet. Yay for being open, right? So I guess I’ll call that category “strange.”
Author’s note:
The kale salad recipe can be found at: http://www.food.com/recipe/massaged-kale-salad-aarti-sequeira-436159
The tuna salad salad, I can’t remember the source. But here goes.
5 oz. light tuna (canned in water), drained
2 Tbsp low-cal mayo
1 medium apple, diced
pecans to taste
3 cups fresh spinach
2 Tbsp Newman’s Own Olive Oil and Vinegar Dressing
Combine first four ingredients. Serve on spinach and drizzle with dressing.
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